


can't say it

by hatae



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Tension, Tenderness, basically everything comes to a head after the bad guy incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21874339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatae/pseuds/hatae
Summary: "Okay something is definitely up. You and yourco-workerhave both been acting really strange today."Really? Seungyoun had watched Hangyul and would like to applaud the other boy for his oscar-worthy performance of acting like everything was perfectly okay. Could’ve fooled Seungyoun…Or maybe he really was just...cool with it all. Maybe Seungyoun was just making it a bigger deal than it was. Than it was ever supposed to be.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Lee Hangyul
Comments: 2
Kudos: 85





	can't say it

**Author's Note:**

> yoo this drought is really...just not fun, i started this one a while ago (y'know after the bad guy incident™), but i finished it just recently. hope you guys enjoy it

It shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be.

Back on stage Seungyoun had grabbed Hangyul's hair and puled it back for the fun of it. A sensual movement on stage in front of their fans…y’know, fanservice.

He'd fully expected Hangyul to either annoyedly swat him away with an exaggerated eyeroll or for him to ridiculously play along.

He had not expected Hangyul to actually _seriously_ go along with it. For him to grab Seungyoun’s waist and plant his fucking leg between his. For him to actually grid against him.

Seungyoun's brain short circuited then, he hadn’t even thought about the eyes and cameras on them, he'd just...enjoyed it. Pulled Hangyul even closer and grinded right back, heard Hangyul’s moan-which was what made him aware of the fact that they were doing this in front of the fans and cameras and...fuck.

Seungyoun almost groans, but quickly represses it. It's 2 AM and he is sharing a room with the culprit of his overworking brain.

He's pretty sure Hangyul's sleeping, but who knows.

He tosses and turns for a couple of minutes, tying to think about anything but Hangyul’s fingers digging into his flesh. Anything but the friction of Hangyul's thigh against his-

"Jesus, can you move more?"

Seungyoun tenses up at the sound of Hangyul’s gruff voice.

"You’re still awake?", he asks and it comes out sounding almost accusatory. Of course that immediately triggers a reaction out of the younger man.

"So are you!", Hangyul says.

It's quiet for a while and Seungyoun's glad they're in the dark, because he can practically feel how red his ears currently are.

"What are you thinking about?", Hangyul asks and Seungyoun would rather flash his now flat tummy to the entire would than tell Hangyul what he's been thinking about.

"Nothing!", he says defensively.

"Oh", Hangyul says. Then. "I was thinking about you."

He nearly chokes on his own spit. He giggles nervously. "Oh...in a good way, I hope."

"I think you know in what way", Hangyul says and his voice is low.

"Gyul", Seungyoun chokes out.

"I didn't think when I did that, y'know. I just...acted", Hangyul says and Seungyoun should stop this conversation now. Like, _right now._ If there's ever been a conversation that's basically a free ticket to disaster it's this one.

Hangyul's young, he's still discovering himself. Basically just admitted himself that he didn't even know what he was doing.

"You don't have to justify yourself to me", Seungyoun says weakly.

Hangyul snorts. "There's nothing to justify, I wanted to do it and I know you wanted to do it, too. It's as simple as that."

"There's nothing simple about this", Seungyoun says and his voice is thin. "Nothing. We did that in front of people and cameras and...we shouldn’t have. There are minors in our group and we've got and image to uphold."

Hangyul's quiet for a while and for a second Seungyoun's afraid he was too harsh, but then Hangyul speaks again.

"There's no people or cameras here now."

The older boy closes his eyes and lets out a breathy sigh. It would be so easy to slip into Hangyul's bed and take everything Hangyul's clearly willing to give to him.

"We-", the word 'can't' doesn't seem to wanna come out. "shouldn't."

  
"When has that ever stopped us", Seungyoun can hear the grin in Hangyul’s voice and fuck he's so whipped. He’s so fucking whipped, so against all better judgement Seungyoun gets up and quietly makes his way over to the younger boy's bed.

  
He comes to a pause next to him. The rational voice in him is screaming to get the fuck back into his own bed, he's gonna ruin everything he's worked years for just for this?  
But he can’t seem to move and when Hangyul sits up, grabs his hand and pulls him down on top of him he doesn't stop him. Hangyul's hands find their place on his waist. Just like they had a couple of hours before. Seungyoun shudders.

"We really shouldn't", he whispers, but he's never wanted anything more in his life.

"We don't have to", Hangyul says, moving his hands away and Seungyoun all but growls.  
"Don’t you dare."

Hangyul's hands quickly return and he lets out a breathy sigh and the last thing Seungyoun thinks before shoving his hand down Hangyul’s pants is: 'this is so fucking stupid.’

* * *

The next day Hangyul acts like nothing happened, so Seungyoun quickly follows his lead. He laughs loudly with the other members, because if he doesn't he'll think about the way Hangyul had moaned into his ear as he came into his hand the night before. 

Then it's night and Seungyoun really has to get back to his room, but he also really really doesn't want to talk to Hangyul about what happened. Doesn’t know what the hell he's supposed to say.

"We can't ever do this again."  
Or  
"Can you please put your hand on my dick again, I need you."

"What's up?", Seungwoo asks. He's leaving the bathroom, the last like usual. Seungyoun wonders why he does it to himself. All the hot water is bound to be gone by the time he showers. Especially with the way Dongpyo often hogs it for twenty minutes at a time. Then again, the day Seungwoo tells Dongpyo no will be the day the world ends.

"Huh?", he asks.

Seungwoo raises his eyebrows.

"Okay something is definitely up. You and your _co-worker_ have both been acting really strange today."

Really? Seungyoun had watched Hangyul and would like to applaud the other boy for his oscar-worthy performance of acting like everything was perfectly okay. Could’ve fooled Seungyoun…  
Ormaybe he really was just...cool with it all. Maybe Seungyoun was just making it a bigger deal than it was. Than it was ever supposed to be.

Seungwoo snaps his fingers in font of his face. "Earth to Seungyoun?"

He looks actually worried now.

"It's fine, hyung. Seriously. I just wasn't that tired yet", he lies and he’s sure it’s very apparent that he's lying, since his eyelids are drooping and his voice is hoarse, the way it gets when he's dead on his feet.

  
Seungwoo, to his credit, doesn't look the least bit convinced as he says: "If you say so...you know you can talk to me, right? Both of you.” He looks at him knowingly and in that moment it’s like Seungwoo can look straight into his soul.

"Yeah, I know", Seungyoun nods quickly, brushing past Seungwoo and up to his own room. "Thanks."

After which he quickly enters and closes the door behind him. The little lights they hung up to make their room more decorative are on and Hangyul’s still on his phone.

He's staring at Seungyoun now though. His eyes sharp and inquisitive. Seungyoun brusquely walks over to his bed and crawls under the covers.

"Really?", Hangyul snaps when Seungyoun hasn’t said anything after a minute. And Seungyoun kinda wants to childishly snap: "Yeah, _really._ What abt it?"

He doesn't, because he's supposed to be the older one here. The more responsible one.

"Gyul, don't be mad", he says instead.

"I'm not mad, I just think we should talk about this", he protests and he's being way too loud. He turns to face Hangyul.

"Quiet down, will you?", He hisses. "You want everyone to know?"

  
"Why are you acting like it's something to be ashamed of?", Hangyul asks woundedly. "Do you regret it that much?"

  
And this is exactly what Seungyoun was afraid of.

He's rendered speechless for a second.

  
He sees that Hangyul's desperately trying to keep his face neutral, but the nervous movement of his foot is giving him away.

"I...it's not that I regret it", he starts calmingly. "I just...we're public figures and... _jesus_ , we’ve got a fifteen year old in our group. If this were to ever get out-"  
"It won't", Hangyul says and Seungyoun is taken aback by the determination in his voice. "If we actually want this to work it won't."

Seungyoun's heart skips a beat and he asks: "What does that mean?"

"We're going to be spending the next five years together and I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend it denying this...thing between us the entire time."  
Seungyoun stares at Hangyul, he doesn't look afraid. Somehow that makes him feel young again. Like he felt those first few years with UNIQ. Until he realized that they didn't know any more than he did.

("I'm sorry, Youn...i just...I don't know if we’ll ever get a comeback", he remembers Sungjoo saying with tears brimming his eyes. A harsh wakeup call to say the least.)

"What is this thing between us even?", he asks quietly, regretting it as soon as the words leave his mouth. His heart starts beating in his throat.

He really hasn't learned from his mistakes, has he? No matter how hard he tries he'll never truly grow up. It's endearing at times, he knows. But he doesn’t miss the eyerolls of his mother or manager when he gets too insecure.

Hangyul's eyes widen in alarm and for a second Seungyoun wonders why that is, but then he blinks and feels a tear run over his face. He curses and wipes it away.

Grow _up_ , he thinks furiously.

Hangyul is out of his bed and by his side in an instant, he sits down next to Seungyoun.

"You're such a crybaby", he says affectionately, as he cups Seungyoun’s face in his hands for a second and puts his forehead against his.

  
"I don't want to be...it's not because of you", Seungyoun forces himself to say, it barely gets past the lump in his throat.

"It's okay", Hangyul shrugs as he leans away again. "I know."

  
And somehow that makes him feel a lot better. Seungyoun nods and sits up, so he feels less like a child laying in bed with their parent comforting them.

It's silent for a bit, then Hangyul grabs his hand. "I know that whatever's between us isn't just sexual tension. I mean, I guess a part of it is, I'm really attracted to you, in case you hadn't noticed."

Seungyoun lets out a wet giggle. He'd noticed alright.

"I know it's more than that. We fit together really well and... I've never felt like this with anyone before."

He ruffles a hand though his freshly washed hair, clearly abashed and not for the first time Seungyoun’s reminded that Hangyul is still nineteen. He's mature for his age. Has probably been forced to mature at a really young age because of everything he's been through.

But he's young, doesn't have as much experience as Seungyoun has in this department.

  
"Have you ever been with someone before?", he asks. Belatedly, a voice in his mind supplies.

  
"I've had a girlfriend."

"...and with a guy?"

Hangyul shakes his head. Seungyoun blinks rapidly. So Seungyoun was his first sexual experience with a dude. Suddenly Seungyoun regrets not making it more special. He hadn't even kissed Hangyul. It'd been pleasurable for the both of them, bit it'd rough and quick.

His first experience with a guy hadn't exactly been nice either, it'd been clumsy. At a party where him and this dude had too much to drink and after grinding on each other in the bathroom they'd never seen each other again.

"I'm sorry", he says.

"It’s okay", Hangyul says with a small smile and Seungyoun kinda wants to kiss him. But they need to set things straight first.

"If we're doing this we're gonna have to tell Seungwoo", he says and though Hangyul visibly cringes but nods. Seungyoun doesn't exactly want to tell the older boy either, bit he deserves to know as their leader. "And Wooseok. And the others as well when they're old enough."

"What about Yohan?", Hangyul asks and they both pull a face, remembering that mentally Yohan is about as mature as Dohyon.

"Maybe we'll wait a little more with him as well", Seungyoun says wisely.

Hangyul smiles brightly. "Right."

Seungyoun presses a soft kiss onto his smiling lips. It's a fleeting thing, really. Barely lasts longer than five seconds, but still Seungyoun feels kinda breathless when he pulls away. Hangyul's gaping at him. It's almost funny how yesterday he was grinning confidently and they'd been touching each other’s dicks then.

"So...this thing between us. How exactly would you describe it?", Seungyoun asks innocently. "Or rather, how do you feel about me? Do you like me?"

Hangyul opens his mouth, before realizing that he doesn't have an answer ready and closing it again.

He giggles. "You're cute." before pulling Hangyul down with him, holding him close against his chest.

  
"You didn't say that yesterday", Hangyul mutters petulantly into his neck.

Seungyoun shushes him as he loosens his grip to allow Hangyul to roll off of him and put his head on his shoulder.

"I do, you know", Hangyul says after a while and Seungyoun turns to look at him, which results in him awkwardly craning his neck. "Like you."

"Really?", he asks dumbly, even if Hangyul strongly hinted at it before.

Hangyul props himself up onto his elbow so he can look down at him. His eyes are soft, a stark contrast with the fire that had been in them a while ago.

  
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? You're beautiful and charismatic, not to mention funny as hell.", not that Seungyoun doesn’t appreciate the ego stroke, bit these are all things he's heard a thousand times over. He's almost disappointed- he can forgive Hangyul, though. Feelings aren’t always easy for him. "But you're also sensitive. You realize when I need help or when I need space and you give me it. No one's ever understood me like that before."

Seungyoun thinks it's pretty clear when Hangyul just doesn't feel like talking. He's not gonna force him to socialize when he doesn't want to. He reddens a bit by the look of adoration on Hangyul's face.

"You’ve taken the times to get to really know me know me and at this point you know me better than any of my friends from school ever did. You don’t force me to talk about thing I don’t want to talk about and you never say anything to intentionally hurt me. I just…I really like you a lot."

  
He's clearly getting emotional and Seungyoun puts a gentle hand on Hangyul's cheek, repressing his own wave of tears at hearing the younger man open up his heart for him. It’s clear he’s been through some shit. He bites his lip when Hangyul looks at him.

"I like you too, Gyul."

Simple as that. He kinda wants to say more, but Hangyul had really lain it on thick and the pressure behind his eyes is already hard to ignore, so he just settles for. "So fucking much.'

Hangyul leans into his palm and grins. "I'm out here writing an entire book about my feelings for you and I just get the basic ' I like you'? Wow..."

Seungyoun rolls his eyes affectionaly l. He know Hangyul gets it.

The younger boy lays down again. His nose pressed into Seungyoun’s cheek and a leg swung across his. Seungyoun remembers the first couple of weeks after they met. How Hangyul would pull away uncomfortably when Seungyoun got too touchy, because that was just how he was. With everybody. Seungyoun quickly learned to not be too clingy around him and instead respect Hangyul’s boundaries (no matter how much he might want to touch the hot dude he often shared a room with).

They’d slowly grown closer after than, but the actual switch in their green relationship had been when they'd been performed ‘move’ and Hangyul accidentally got him in the throat with his hand.

It’d hurt like a bitch, but Seungyoun had obviously continued on, (“You only stop performing when you die”, echoed the words countless trainers had said to him years ago in his head) internally he went into panic mode, though. He wondered if the cameras caught that, if he'd loose points for that, if he'd been too close, if it'd been his fault-? oh god, what if people went after Hangyul because of this...

Then Hangyul had reached out for him, just a small, lingering squeeze in his hand-both apologetic and reassuring-and Seungyoun had calmed down immediately. It'd surprised him, though, he hadn't realized Hangyul knew him wel enough to realize what'd been going through his mind.

After that it seemed all the walls Hangyul had put up had abruptly collapsed all at once. He didn’t mind the touching, he was the first to laugh and participate in Seungyoun's antics. And-

"I get it", Hangyul says with a soft smile. His breath fluttering over Seungyoun's cheek, it smells of Junho’s minty toothpaste nearly everyone in the group has been using for a couple of days now, because they think that one smells the best. Junho’s still oblivious, though probably highly concerned by now.

Seungyoun pulls him even closer, figuring that if Hangyul likes him just the way he is, he can't be all that bad after all. "Yeah, I know you do."

**Author's Note:**

> will i ever properly write smut? haha nope most likely not
> 
> anyway, i hope you guys enjoyed it. i feel like i'm just a big ol' sap, i even managed to make something fluffy out of that moment™
> 
> [ my tumblr](http://chosyohan.tumblr.com).


End file.
